It seems that there were many stories about S. Antonia (Gertrude) Kirkels and, though she joined Catherine with much joy, there were times that were not so joyful. According to S. Elisa, S. Antonia at times suffered from what might today be termed depression. S. Lina Hoster included what she called “a heavy temptation” in her compilation of “Blutengartlein.”
Sister Magdalen, that precious flower in the only just arranged flower garden of the order, came of the strong stock of St. Francis. Sister Magdalen, the zealous child of the divine teacher, saw many good daughters come to her to wear the penitential garment of the crucified servant of the Lord, St. Francis. Many from every social status, some very young, some a bit old, she accepted in the order as soon as she saw that it was according to God’s will...Sr. Antonia, however, when she saw how young girls, still so innocent and pure, gave their youthful strength so lovingly to the Lord was sorrowful about herself.
She lost her normal cheerfulness, was the whole day sad, and her swollen eyelids showed that she wept silently. When Magdalen saw this she felt an inner compassion with her sad situation. But as Antonia remained downhearted she became uneasy, called her and spoke as a tender mother, “My child, I don’t recognize the former Antonia. Formerly you served the Lord with a joyful and gay heart; now however I see only bitter sorrow in your face. Tell me, my daughter what ails you. Why are you so sorrowful?” Antonia, whose deepest wish was to tell her spiritual mother freely about what lived in her heart, said, “See, my dear mother, this is what ails me.
When I see how so many young girls gave themselves undividedly to God from their youthful days and I think then that I, poor sinner, already 46 years old, started so late to serve my Lord, then I grow downhearted. Then I think, if I had also in my young years made such a generous decision, then it would have pleased the Lord much more.” “My child,” said Magdalen then, “be as joyful as before, and serve the Lord with a heart full of love, for you make yourself downhearted about a nothingness...Don’t be unquiet anymore and think of the Gospel where it says that the Lord paid the last workers as much as the first although the latter had worked from early morning in the vineyard.” With a humble heart Sister Antonia listened...and then went to the chapel and kneeling before the altar she repeated the words Magdalen had spoken, and with a new zeal she did what she had promised...(The Lord) gave her back her former joy, which gave her for long years the courage and the strength of her youth.
In addition to the “Blutengartlein” there is a small booklet entitled “Small Contribution to the Archives of the Motherhouse,” which contains short biographies of the first sisters. It was written by S. Dominica Grimmelt who entered the congregation in 1863. M. Hortense Lindner, provincial superior 1920-1932 asked her to write down the stories. They date from about 1925 and, as S. Dominica actually knew S. Antonia, she writes from personal knowledge.
Sr. Antonia was a model of contentness, expressed in her whole being of attractive friendliness, zealousness, and above all, the spirit of prayer and love of holy poverty. She cared for the garden and was always to be found there or in the vegetable room during work time. This last room, built along the garden side of the stables, had a door to the garden that was always open in bright weather. The small (boarding students) could not pass by without greeting Sr. Antonia. Then her friendly eyes looked so happy through her copper spectacles. She always had a gay answer and was overjoyed if she could make them happy with an apple, a pear, a prune or a carrot.
Generally, one heard her praying loudly during her work. She was very anxious that the young sisters should grow accustomed to the convent food. Then she said in her Limburgian dialect, “You should eat well of the vegetables; they are blessed.”
At the age of 83, S. Antonia died on November 15, 1873. Her death was noted in the house chronicle of St. Elisabeth. She died of loss of strength after having several times received the last sacraments...The deceased was one of the co-founders of our congregation and excelled in her love of holy poverty, her simplicity and her zeal. She was interred in the convent cemetery. May she rest in peace.
And as S. Elisa writes, “We may thank God for this rich life.”